Shave a single shingle thin.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
I whale always love you.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
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