I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
My moment in the sun.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
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