What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
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