Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
How much will $20 get me?
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
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