What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
Rock was magma before it was cool.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
You’re my #1 pick.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
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