Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
"Just one hot chick."
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
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