When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
As it snow happens.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
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