Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
I’m very frond of you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
I love your energy.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
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