Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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