The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
"Time wounds all heels."
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
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