Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
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