Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
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