Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
"Time to wine down."
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
"You deserve better and so do I."
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
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