What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
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