What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
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