Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
You are shrimply the best!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
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