Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.

Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.

What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.

Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!

What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.

Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.

What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna

What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!

The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.

Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.

What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.

A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.

Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.

Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.

I find my core strength in you.

What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.

Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.

My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.

Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.

What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.

Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!

"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.

Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.

I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!

What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.

“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!

Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years

What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.

I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.

One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.

"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood

On a keyboard, nothing is under control.

The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson

Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.

What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”