What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
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