Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

I hope for world peas.

"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."

My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!

Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.

What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.

“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright

Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.

Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.

This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What is a car’s favourite movie character?

Aerial from The Little Mermaid.

Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"

Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.

Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?

What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.

“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell

Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry

Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.

If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.

Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.

The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.

As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."

- Natalie Wood.

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.

What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.

Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.

What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!

Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.

Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.

How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.

What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!