What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.

I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.

Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.

Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.

What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.

What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!

You will always have
a pizza of my heart.

What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don’t know. It’s a mistery.

I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.

What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.

Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"

Me: "No... They're made of buff."

Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!

Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."

“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"

It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?

My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.

What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!

I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.

What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.

Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”

How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.

“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?

What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.

Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.

You’re as sweet as Pi.

What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom

I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.

I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!

Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.

I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.

How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!

I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.

My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.

Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.

Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes

People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.