It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
I'm fondue you, it's true
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Rivers are...
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