I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
Pirates Private Property.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Readers do it by the book.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
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