What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
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