Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
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