Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Wish upon a starfish.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
"Say you'll be wine."
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Talk literary to me.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
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