“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What does a house wear?
Address.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
So how many cats do you have?
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
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