Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
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