Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
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