"Will you accept this rosé?"
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I couldn't chair less!
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