What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.

I tried to catch the fog.

But I mist.

Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.

Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.

The pineapple is pining for the summer.

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?

Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.

The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather

I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.

"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.

If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.

"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford

What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.

Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.

What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!

What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy

Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock

What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.

Grate.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.

What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.

"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.

"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes

What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head

How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pickle

Pickle who?

Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!