Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.

Theres a party in my pants and your invited.

My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”

Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!

I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown

As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.

What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat

How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.

Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.

If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.

What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.

Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.

What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”

If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.

You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.

Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.

Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.

What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!

How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!

Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!

I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?

Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!

What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.

What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.

What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”

It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.

As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.

When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.

“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale

Go big or go gnome.

I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk

What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.

What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!

A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.

I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.

What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.

Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.

“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock

Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!

Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.