I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
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