We have great chemis-tree.

What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.

"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain

I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight

(Jan Allison)

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.

My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."

What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.

“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”

With conjunctions, you and I can be together.

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.

One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.

Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back

What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.

What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.

I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.

What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.

The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.

People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.

It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.

Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.

“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.

Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum

Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?

Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.

Look for a rainbow connection.

How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.

Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.

What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?

Go on their honeyearth.

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!

“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote

What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.

Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.

Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.

Can I take a few shots at your goal?

"Great minds drink alike."