You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!

I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls

A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.

What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.

Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.

I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.

As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.

What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.

Do you squat here often?

What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.

What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.

What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.

What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?

Van Hailin’.

What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin

How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.

Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.

Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.

"Month of May"

For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....

I find you very a-peeling.

If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?

What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.

The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.

What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!

Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!

“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown

Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.

Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.

Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.

Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar

On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Girl its been fun

But im leaving you

What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!

The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.

What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.

"Oh, sweet child of wine."

How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.