Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
I have bean
thinking about you.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
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