Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
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