You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
I can score from multiple positions.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Bad spelling makes me sic.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
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