Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
I hope for world peas.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Honestly, I really lilac you.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Snow thank you.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
Do you believe in love at first flight?
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
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