How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
Keep calm and leprech-on.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
You’re as sweet as Pi.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
"I wood never leaf you."
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
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