Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Leave poetry to the prose.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
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