Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.

Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.

What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.

What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.

Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.

Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.

Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.

Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.

I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?

When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.

I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.

(Sarina McConnell)

The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.

Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!

What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!

Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?

Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.

“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond

Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.

Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!

Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!

What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!

What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.

I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.

What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.

You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!

I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.

What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!

Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.

How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.

What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."

“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”

Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!

I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.

Be-leaf me, you look great in green.

My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.

What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”

What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking

"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken