What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Case in punt
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
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