What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
I like the way you espresso yourself.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
The only thing hotter than today is you.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
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