“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
In on the ground flora.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
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