I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
I like you sow much.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
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