What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
How was heaven when you left it?
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Want to lock our bikes together?
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
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