What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
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