Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
Yoda one for me!
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
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