Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
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