If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
"Sip happens."
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
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