Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
You are my butter-half!
"Some bunny loves you."
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
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