“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Time to spruce things up.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Let’s put our tulips together.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
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