I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
That look soots you.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
It's lit.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
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