What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
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