What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.

There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.

How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.

"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill

Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy

I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.

I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.

What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…

"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.

In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?

What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"

French, French Revolution

Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.

There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.

My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.

My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.

Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.

I whale always love you.

The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!

What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.

Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.

Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.

What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.

Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Butch.

Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.

I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.

You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!

Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.

Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.

Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!

What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.

Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.

"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."

- Marsha Doble

What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child