What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Some bunny loves you.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
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