Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
I'd drink your bathwater.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
"You deserve better and so do I."
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
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