I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
You are so right. And I am so left.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
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