In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
"Partners in wine."
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Say it ain’t snow.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
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