Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
I know Benjamin Franklin.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
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