He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Drink happy thoughts.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Baby, you rock my world!
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
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