Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.

I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.

“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller

I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.

I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.

Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.

Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.

Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.

Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!

What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.

What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.

You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.

What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.

Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!

How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.

Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?

I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.

The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.

It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.

"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."

- Immortal Souls.

This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.

All things must grass.

What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!

Irish you were beer.

Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.

With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.

Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!

A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.

My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"

We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.

I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.

My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.

The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.

A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.

Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.