Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
Summer should get a speeding ticket
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
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