Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
“Monday should be optional.”
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
Books are my kind of texts.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
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