Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Don't worry, bee happy!
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Talk literary to me.
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
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