Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
“Feliz navi-dog!”
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
You looked better when I was drunk.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Let’s make some pour decisions.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
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